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Read This One All the Way to the End

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Read This One All the Way to the End

When I was 16 I met this girl who went to high school across town through a buddy who was dating her friend. Our parents were pretty liberal and we spent most of our weekends getting high and drunk in the pool house and swimming when we wanted to cool off. Needless to say, it took about three days before I lost my v card to this girl- and it was awesome. Here's the thing: when you're 16 and you find a girl who is DTF you never let that go. I was immediately her boyfriend. Despite the fact that I didn't know that much about her, I knew everything that I needed to know: she had a vagina and she let me put my dick in it. Week two of this torrid romance and something isn't quite right in the land down under- it was really burning when I pissed. Like every time...I went to Catholic school so I knew all about how Satan invades extra-marital sex and fills your lust pole with STDs. I knew I had one, the only question was which one. A lot of people would ask: "This chick just gave you dick rot, you dumped her right?" Let me just refer you to the previous statement: I was 16 and she was letting me have sex with her. We only got more serious- like getting close to meet the parents serious. But love didn't cure whatever evil was festering in my penis, and I had to schedule a doctor's appointment. In the exam room, I had to fess up to my doctor (who I had always secretly suspected of being gay) my terrible suspicions- that I had third degree dick rot with a chance of AIDS. I had to pee in a cup, and he manually examined my penis. He asked me why I suspected I had caught an STD, and, in the spirit of doctor-patient confidentiality, I told him everything. Which came out to: "I met a random girl from across town and I've been humping her everywhere: pool, bushes, suburbans, rugs, carpets, dirt piles. I don't know much about her, but if she's willing to sex me up, she's probably kind of a slut." It took a week, but the results came back- I had a benign UTI, most likely from bare-back riding in dirt piles. Clean it up was his advice. That was a giant relief, and a f_ck you to Sister Helen who had convinced me that god punishes all fornicators with a life-long curse of dick fire. Everything seemed to be great, the penis problem cleared up and this girl and I kept seeing each other. After a few months she invited me to her family dinner, her mom was nice and pretty hot. Her dad was my doctor. (Source)

This Is a Lot Calmer Than He Could Have Been

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This Is a Lot Calmer Than He Could Have Been

A quote from my dad. "I didn't expect her to be black". Nothing negative both of my parents just didn't see it coming. (Source)

Maybe This Relationship Wasn't Meant to Be

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Maybe This Relationship Wasn't Meant to Be

Ugh, I was the girlfriend in question. I had come over to my long distance relationship boyfriend's apartment on the way out of town. I had dressed in a plaid skirt, fishnets, combat boots, and a low cut black tank because I wanted to leave him with a good memory. So he's got me pinned face first against the wall with my skirt flipped up and he's fingering me when his dad walks in. Apparently he'd come by early to take him to lunch and drop him at his job. I was absolutely mortified during the entire lunch with his dad, dad's girlfriend, and my boyfriend. (Source)

Yeah, This Would Make for an Awkward Dinner

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Yeah, This Would Make for an Awkward Dinner

Not a parent, but when I brought my first girlfriend home I was too embarrassed to say anything to my parents, so we went directly to my room and started fooling around. Here's what transpired: My mom opens the door to my bedroom and stopped mid sentence "Hey I was thinking we could have turkey for -" I awkwardly remove my hand from the front of my girlfriends unbuttoned jeans "Oh uhm sorry I didn't realize you had company" "Yeah this is Caitlin" "Hi Caitlin. Did you want to join us for supper?" "suuuuuuuuuurrree" Then we all had a super awkward dinner together. Fun times. (Source)

And You Want to Drive My Daughter Somewhere? Really?

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And You Want to Drive My Daughter Somewhere? Really?

He recounted the story of when he drove home so drunk he lost a tire hitting something, then drove on the rim for at least 4 miles down the interstate. Thankfully he's sober now, but is that something you want to talk about the first time you meet me? (Source)

Violence Is Still Never the Answer, But...

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Violence Is Still Never the Answer, But...

I never thought I would strike a teenager until I saw a boy smack my daughter's ass in front of me with impunity. (Source)

Apparently Her Mom Got It Right the First Time

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Apparently Her Mom Got It Right the First Time

My boyfriend in high school was a senior at a different school, I was a sophomore. At their school homecoming game it was a tradition for all seniors to dress up in camouflage. So my mom first met him when he was dressed head-to-toe in black and white camouflage and wasn't aware of the tradition. As he was walking toward us she said, "oh god, no." And didn't realize I'd heard her. To be fair, he was pure scum. (Source)

The Moral Is Never Date a Drug Dealer

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The Moral Is Never Date a Drug Dealer

I was over at my boyfriend's family's house for Easter where we all got together for an Easter egg hunt, dinner, and party games. My boyfriend's middle sister had recently started seeing a guy she met on eHarmony, who apparently lived in Toronto. She spent the afternoon telling us about him; That he owned a delivery business and a flower shop, was originally from somewhere in Africa but moved to England and then here, etc. etc. My boyfriend's brother joked that he was a drug dealer for his 'delivery business', and we laughed as she tried to defend him. So he finally drives up in a very expensive car, wearing a t-shirt with arrows pointing to the shoulders and the caption "Place legs here" written across the chest. Everyone started interrogating him, but he was avoidant of everything. I worked in a flower shop for seven years, and he couldn't name any flowers. Granted his English wasn't perfect and he was very awkward, but the drug dealer possibility became more likely as time went on. Afterwards he went full-blown creepy stalker. She broke up with him, since he couldn't explain anything, and he sent her 40+ text messages trying to get her back. Wrote 'poems' about how much it hurt to miss her and said he'd drop by her work. She blocked his number, reported him on eHarmony, and everyone in the family has sworn a pact to immediately call police if we see him anywhere.
It was like standing next to a train wreck as it happened. (Source)

This Is a Very Forgiving, Accepting Family

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This Is a Very Forgiving, Accepting Family

The first weekend I went to stay with my boyfriend's parents (I had never met them before) my boyfriend and I played Drinkopoly with some of his friends (like Monopoly, but you drink instead of using money). All was grand, I went to bed a little earlier than everyone else, and bf's friends left saying "she drinks pretty well for a girl!" He comes up to bed, I proceed to throw up everywhere. On him, on his sheets, on myself. He then put me in the shower and I apparently screamed random numbers at him and got angry when he didn't understand. His parents were ridiculously cool about the whole thing; the next day as my boyfriend slept off the trauma I washed puke off his sheets then went with his mum to play with the cats they were soon to adopt. Oh, and then the next day his younger sister walked in on us having sex. Still don't understand how his family like me... (Source)

This Mom Is Both Cool and Clueless

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This Mom Is Both Cool and Clueless

When I brought my first serious boyfriend home to meet my mom he was wearing a Misfits sweatshirt. My mom, bless her, ignored his dyed mohawk, gaged ears and pierced nose and said that she liked his panda sweatshirt. I laughed so hard I cried. Got to give him credit though, he stuck around for 4 years. (Source)

Trust Your Mom

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Trust Your Mom

When my mother was 14, she wanted to date this boy who was 17. But my grandparents wouldn't let her, because they "just don't trust him". My mom argues with her parents, but they stand firm on their decision. Flash forward about 8 years, my mom is happily married. Her parents show her the newspaper, and that boy (grown up now) made the paper: drug-deal gone wrong, armed robbery, double homicide and suicide. (Source)

You Can't Fool This Mom

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You Can't Fool This Mom

My most awkward meeting (I had met her mom briefly once before) of a girlfriend's parent(s) was 9 years ago when I was 18. I was sitting on her mom's couch chatting with my girlfriend while we texted each other dirty things. We would pretend to talk about being seniors, looking forward to graduating, etc, but we were really discussing the dirty and raunchy kind of teenage sex that abstinence only education warned you about. As we texted more I started to get a little excited, nothing I couldn't control but damn it felt dangerous and naughty which got the adrenaline flowing. Her mom was in the kitchen the entire time cooking up a meal leaving us to our secret naughty conversation. I told my then girlfriend to put her phone between her legs while it was on vibrate, she did and I called her repeatedly. Watching her get hornier got me hornier, the blood must flow! There was no fighting it anymore, my dick was now hard knowing she was ready for some prime time sexy times.
Let's pause for a second and examine this situation, I'm sitting on the couch hard as a rock, she's sitting next to me with a phone between her legs while I call it repeatedly. What 18 year old guy wouldn't be aroused? I misjudged one thing, how quickly her mom could prepare an entire meal. Panic time. Her mom walked in the living room to tell us dinner was done but it had to cool down a bit. She wanted to take this time to get to know me. I had met her once before but only briefly, I'd only said hi to her at this point. She had perched on the arm of the love seat which was at a 90 degree angle to the couch we were sitting on, she sat there like a judging vulture disguised as Bettie Homemaker. Her voice and smile were gentle, but her eyes were fiery and alive like she plucked them from Hannibal Lecter's head. "Are you excited to graduate?"
"Yes ma'am." When I'm nervous I get really polite. "Are you two hungry? I made enough to feed everyone and send john home with plenty of leftovers." "Thank you ma'am." My boner was about to burst through my pants, my balls were starting to hurt from all the trapped blood.
"all me Kathy, or mom if you want to." I'd rather not, in fact I'd rather be sewing my wild oats in your daughter and praying for crop failure.
"OK Kathy, I'll remember that." "Where are my manners? I almost forgot to mention that we hug in this family." Oh christ, f_ck, please no. Not now at this exact moment. I haven't had the chance to covertly tuck my cock into the waistband of my jeans! "Stand up and give me a hug, mister." No no no no no nononono! There was no way I have escaped this situation without killing two people and hiding the bodies. I did it. I stood up and hugged this woman. As soon as it happened I could feel my dick press into her, she knew, I knew she knew because she backed away from it, as soon as she did I had an involuntary dick twitch the for a split second pushed it back into her thigh. F_ck. We parted from our hug, we both tried to be polite, but the shame had set in. Dinner was awkward, I wolfed down my food without making eye contact with Kathy. I made an excuse to leave after dinner, went home, rubbed one out, and wallowed in shame and embarrassment. (Source)

Now That's Just Rude

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Now That's Just Rude

My whole family met my current boyfriend over Easter dinner. My father doesn't typically say a word to new people my siblings and I bring home. Randomly during dinner my dad turned to my boyfriend and said, "you a racist?" (Source)

When You Hear Whoppers This Big, Just Run

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When You Hear Whoppers This Big, Just Run

A family friend brought home a guy who told us he jumped out of a mission plane in WW1 and that he used to star in some tv show in Canada.
He was 33 in 2012. (Source)

Hey Sir, I'd Like Your Daughter to Be Poor

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Hey Sir, I'd Like Your Daughter to Be Poor

Not a parent, but the night my sister's ex met my parents, he went off on a tangent about how proud he was not to work, and how good it is that the state gives him food stamps and welfare. My dad, who's been a consistently hard worker his entire life, about blew a fuse that night.
The ex continued his jack-assery for some time, but shortly after he recommended to my sister that they move into Section 8 housing, that's when she had the sense to call it quits. (Source)

And Racism Rears Its Ugly Head Again

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And Racism Rears Its Ugly Head Again

One time, my sister brought a hispanic boyfriend by the house. My, since deceased, father said this to him: "Well, I am not too thrilled about this. But hey, at least you aren't black." (Source)

Shouldn't This Question Go to the Daughter?

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Shouldn't This Question Go to the Daughter?

When I was in 9th grade, I went to my girlfriend's house at the time while her parents were supposed to be at work. we were just hanging downstairs when her dad comes through the door totally unexpectedly. I still to this day have no idea how he unlocked the door so damn fast. He sat me down and talked to me and asked if I thought coming over while nobody was home was the "right" thing to do and I nervously said "yes!" (Source)

Stop Teasing Us

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Stop Teasing Us

My mom and current wife met for the first time at 2am in my parents' living room both wearing no bottoms... (Source)

Don't Invite This Kid for Breakfast

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Don't Invite This Kid for Breakfast

So I'm not a parent but when I met my girlfriend's mom for breakfast I ate the whole family's sausage and bacon thinking it was the plate they had left for me since I showed up late. They were too nice to say anything. (Source)

Something Here Does Not Compute

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Something Here Does Not Compute

First time my mother met my high school girlfriend was walking into my bedroom with my girlfriend completely naked on the bed and me fully clothed on the computer. (Source)

Maybe the Mom Should Have Spoken to Her Daughter?

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Maybe the Mom Should Have Spoken to Her Daughter?

Ex-girlfriends Mom greeted me with, 'Did you convince my daughter to go on birth control so you could f_ck her?!?'... I was shocked to say the least because we had only been dating for a few weeks and she was a virgin, I wasn't pushing the issue because I really liked her. In my confused state, the girlfriend at the time explained to me that she told her Mom she wanted to have sex with me and needed birth control. First encounter with her Mom and I never recovered from that, she hated me. (Source)

Kudos to This Classy Mom (Now Hold Your Nose)

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Kudos to This Classy Mom (Now Hold Your Nose)

Unbeknown to my brother he stepped in dog poo as he went to fetch this girl for the prom. Her parents invited him in to wait since she was not ready and he walked over a white carpet to go sit down. As he sat down he noticed a terrible smell, a big piece of sh_t on his shoe and the step marks on the carpet. He mother, having noticed this, blamed the dog for the smell and ignored the step marks as if they did not exist. (Source)

Don't Break Your Girlfriend's Dad's Arm, Okay?

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Don't Break Your Girlfriend's Dad's Arm, Okay?

When I first met my ex's Dad, I thought in my young, naive 17 year old brain that it would be a great idea to go in for a big, manly handshake. He'd broken his wrist in a cycling accident the week before. I can still hear the crack it made in my nightmares. I also may or may not have let him drive himself to the hospital while I had disappointing teenage sex with his daughter.... (Source)

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