EMT here, I had a grown adult try to explain to ME that someone else shit his pants. Got toned out for finger pain at a homeless shelter at 0200, we get there and the guy jumps in the truck with very mild swelling to the tip of his right index finger. Here's how the conversation went:
Me: so what happened?
Patient: I smoked some meth and then I fell asleep in my bunk and I woke up next to my bunk and my finger hurt and there was poop!
Me: there was poop..? Did you fall in poop..?
Patient: no no, like in my pants!
Me: so... you pooped your pants?
Patient: no! It wasn't me!
Me: so let me get this straight... you smoked meth, took a nap, rolled out of bed in your sleep, hurt your finger, and someone ELSE came along and shit in your pants before you woke up...?
Patient: yeah! It wasn't me! Source
OMFG, finally something I can comment on. Well, here in México we have something called social service (Our college education is free in some institutions, so we have to pay for it with one year of free work in a rural area).
So the first month a woman in her 30s came to consult because she was feeling weird in the mornings since forever. I asked what her symptoms were and she told me that every day she wakes up feeling her mouth dry, and that feeling disappears in about one or two hours. "well lady, how many water do you drink?" "Hmm, one or maybe two glasses, one at breakfast, and one middleday"
"Do you know what thirst is?" "Yeah, when you drink water so you can piss"
So I had a conversation that took one hour long about what thirst is and how it feels, also I had to told her that she needed to drink more water. Source
My sister (who is a new redditor and hope sees this) is a doctor and 25 years ago when she had her very very first patient out of residency and this patient refused to allow her to see her breasts (which were sore and needed a mammogram to check out a lump). So sister asks why and this girl who is about 30 and single said matter of factly "oh. That's lesbian. We can't do that. It's against the lord's wishes." She loves telling this story at the dinner table on family gatherings. Especially to our religious side. Source
A mother came in with her son to discuss treating his acne. Son was about 15 years old and didn't really care about the acne but mom did. After going over treatment options she asked if he just needed to "do it" to get rid of the acne. A grown woman with a child thought that by him having sex his acne would magically go away...smh
EDIT: It seems that many people think that having being a teenager = acne, thus having sex makes you a man and you would no longer have acne. Odd thought process IMO. Source
My Dad's answer(I am not a doctor): My dad had to tell a patient that they were not pregnant. The patient was male. Source
Not a doctor, but I agreed to pick up my good friend's wife from her pregnancy sonogram. Driving home, the wife tells me she's surprised it's a girl because the last kid was a girl and "it's supposed to go 'boy-girl-boy-girl', right?" Source
I was working in GP and had a patient scheduled for an appointment. Looked through his notes to gain an idea of why he may be seeing me and saw he'd been seen a few times with knee pains/shoulder pains and the like. The guy is in his 70s so probably just arthritis. I'm thinking I'll do an examination of his sore joints and ask a few questions, prescribe some painkillers and it'll be a quick one.
Call him in and he walks in sits down and is cheery as anything.
"What seems to be the problem then, sir? I notice you've had some issues recently with sore joints" I ask.
He then proceeds to tell me about this sore knee. So I check his knee and take a history and it all seems fine. Ask anything else and he's like oh actually my neck is sore too. So I check his neck and nothing untoward to be found there either. At this point he's like ok well thanks doc I'll be off then.
I say to him oh good glad we could help. And you have no other pains at all before you go? He then sits back down and tells me he's been having central, crushing chest pain radiating down his left arm and into his jaw since last night and has been feeling breathless and when it happened he had an impending sense of doom.
I know a lot of you won't be doctors here but I'm sure you all recognise signs of an MI there. He had all the classic textbooks symptoms.
Called an ambulance and he was rushed to hospital for PCI. (Edit: Percutaneous coronary intervention - thread a catheter up the arteries into the coronary artery to find and then treat the blockage - sorry for the medical acronym haha)
Tl;Dr - man came in complaining of arthritis and when he was about to leave decided to tell me he'd had a heart attack the night before and thought nothing of it Source
Where the penis goes in the female reproductive system during sex.
I had to explain this to a first-year female medical student. So someone with presumably 4 years of a pre-med/biology education.
To her credit, she understood that the vagina was involved somehow. She just also thought the penis kept going through the cervix and uterus to the uterine tubes....and maybe further? Source
Things I've had to explain to parents:
Breast milk CAN cause cavities
Don't put your kids to bed with a bottle with Coke in it. (They then switched to Diet Coke).. facepalm
Don't wiggle out your permanent teeth just because the tooth fairy will give you money.
You can't brush cavities away with toothpaste or any of these new Internet fads (oil pulling, honey, chocolate) once your cavity is deep enough it needs to be fixed by a dentist.
Fluoride isn't poison any more than table salt is poison. Small quantities are good for you. Anyone who tells you otherwise has been lied to and believed it.
I have plenty more, but I'd have to think harder.
Edit: Had a few questions about #3.. there was a little guy probably 8 years old or so that had wiggled out his 4 lower PERMANENT incisors (front teeth) after wiggling out his 4 baby teeth in the corresponding spots because his family made such a big deal about giving him money from the tooth fairy. They were in my office asking when the new teeth would be coming in.... had to tell them NEVER. Source
I think the most frustrating I've seen since I was a resident was a very pretty (like stunningly pretty) 17 year old with what appeared to be normal, loving, affluent parents. She had a tumor in her pelvis (rhabdomyosarcoma) that we could resect to potentially cure her. The parents declined, also declined chemo and said they want to try holistic medicine because that made more sense to them.
I last saw her 3 years ago, she was getting huge lymph nodes removed from her groin because they were unsightly. Obviously metastatic disease. Parents did not want primary tumor removed and again declined chemo.
I see 100 patients/week probably, lots of devastatingly sad cases. But I still think about that girl, listening to her parents, costing her life. I bet she's dead now.
I can assure people, doctors are not trying to swindle you, give you unnecessary care, or have some ulterior motive in this sort of setting. 99.99% of doctors are treating patients the same way they'd treat family, so try not to be dense, we want to help. Source
My mother is a doctor. She once told me this story about a patient she had (she serves low income people, so typically immigrants/minorities, usually without health insurance). The man is from Central America and is there for a normal check up. Typical of most patients, he has fairly high blood pressure. However, this man is also having bowel problems. So my mother asks, "What color and consistency is your feces when you need to use the bathroom?" The man has no idea what she's talking about. My mom tries again: "Your poop. What color and/or consistency is it typically?" The man still has no clue what she's saying (he understands a bit of english). She tries again. "Your doo doo." Nothing. "Your fecal matter." Nothing. "Your poo." Nothing. "Not number one, but number two." Nothing. Finally she asks, "It's not liquid when it comes out, but its more solid, you know?" The man has an epiphany. "Ohh, you mean shit!" he says. "Yes, your shit." So my highly educated, professional mother has to continue the rest of the checkup asking about his shit. "What color is your shit?" "Is it more wet?" "Does it hurt when you take a shit?"
This went on for a fair amount of time. My mom nearly burst out laughing by the end of it. Absolutely amazing what a minor language barrier can do ...Source
Obligatory not me but my wife. She's a nurse practitioner and had to explain to a 40 year old man that brown sugar did, in fact, contain sugar and that is most likely the reason why he now has diabetes. The same man also adamantly insisted his wine consumption was not an issue because he "only drank the dry stuff like chianti so it doesn't have any sugar." Source
I was a newly minted graduate with fresh and optimistic views on my life as a doctor. Second week in came this old lady and her very dysfunctional family.
They would argue and complain about everything, from the food, the nurses they didnt like and every single medical decision we made. She was very very sick so her management was just as complicated.
She had several children and they all didnt like one another and would not talk to one another. Each time we would have to explain a long update to every single one of them because they "are entitled to hear it from a doctor".
One of these stories being sitting down and explaining why you don't give gatorade as an IV drip. They did not understand why we were giving "salt water" to her.
Conversation with her son:
"Look she likes gatorade, she is drinking it so why cant you give it to her through her drip?"
We explain why.
Son frowns. "But its isotonic."
We explain again.
"Yes but gatorade has more electrolytes."
We explain again.
"Salt water just seems to be too cheap. Cant you give her something else closer to gatorade? That has electrolytes?"
Continues for two hours. Wash and repeat every day during her admission.
Afterwards I told my fiance. He opened up a scene from Idiocracy on youtube and I just sat there with my mouth open for a while. Source
Step mom is an ER nurse, she used to tell stories about her fun patients she had. My favorite was always this:
Severely drunk guy came in with signs of alcohol poisoning. They put a urethral catheter in him so he didn't piss himself. He didn't quite understand what it was and why he had it in his dick and kept on messing with it.
At one point he tried pulling it out and my step mom (she's not the very best at subtlety mind you) leans over and said in his ear: "If you pull that out now, your dick will never work again". Well wouldn't you know it? He stopped trying to pull it out after that. Source
I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my assessment she further divulged that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldn't matter "because he uses a condom every time and he makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use." I asked what she meant when she said he washes it after every use. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he used said condom again..Source
Brainjet is devoted to providing you with all of the craziest, most eye-opening, and overall most interesting information out there.