When my daughter was about 3, my husband took her to the grocery store. At the time, there was a black kid at her preschool that she was friends with whose name was KeShawn. Well, as they were waiting in line at the deli counter, a black family walks up, and they happen to have three little boys close in age to her classmate. My daughter apparently pointed at the family and loudly says, 'Hey daddy, look at all those KeShawns!!'"
"So on the very first day of a new preschool we were taking my son to, we met one of the ladies who worked there who was enormously pregnant...my son could NOT take his eyes off of her giant protruding belly. She of course noticed him gawking at her midsection, smiled and said to him, 'I have twins in here!' while she was patting her belly. He said without skipping a beat, 'Did ya eat 'em?!' Lol...so much red-faced"
"This is my favorite story. My son was three, and we were in the grocery store. I was pushing him in the cart, when he sees a lady with a black eye patch. Of course, the next words out his mouth are 'Look mommy a pirate! Arrrrrrrr!,' as he made a hook with his index finger. The lady was not amused, but another woman walking the opposite direction thought it was hilarious and busted out laughing. My boy was pretty proud of himself for finding a 'pirate.'"
"I was baby sitting my little cousin who is a very hyper active boy, he was probably about 5 or 6 at the time. My uncle drops him off for the weekend and neglects to mention that if he doesn't get his way, he has no problem taking off all his clothes and running around ass-naked until he gets what he wants. I ended up with a naked 5/6 year old kid running around Target because he wanted a godd--- DVD."
"We went to a restaurant after my daughter (4 at the time) had accidentally walked in on her father peeing. He had explained to her that all men had a 'tail' and women didn't. She asked the waiter at the restaurant if she could compare his 'tail' to her father's. Never turned so beat red in my entire life. When I told my daughter that wasn't polite, she asked the waiter if she could go into the bathroom with him if he was more comfortable that way. Ended up paying for our drinks and then noping the f--- out of that restaurant."
My 6 year old step son and I are in the queue to check out in the grocery store. It is midday on a very crowded Saturday afternoon. My step son, a beautiful lad, very slight of frame, blond haired, blue eyed very "Nordic" in looks. I am quite tall, large framed, dark hair, dark eyes, American Indian by heritage. My point is that we look nothing alike. My step son, who's father is in the picture, calls me by my first name, not Dad (which is cool, we get along fine). Well, as we are standing in the queue, my stepson is getting into the candy, magazines and other things that the market lines the isle with. As I am laying the groceries upon the checkout conveyor my step son eyes one of the 'Muscle and Fitness' type magazines in the rack and proclaims, in what has got to be the most angelic, sing song voice.... Angelic but incredibly loud... 'Ken, that guy has a much larger penis than you do.' The air just went out of the entire check out area. I was flustered, didn't know what to say and managed to respond 'Um.... wha... ok... why do you say that?' He pointed to the magazine and said 'Look, his underpants are much smaller than the underpants that you wear" (On the cover of the magazine, there was a body builder, posing in a very tiny speedo). My face at this point had turned 20 shades of red, I could not make eye contact with anyone around us. I managed to force a laugh and say 'haha, you have to be sure to tell your mom about your underpants size theory when we get home.' My step son just sort of shrugged it off and said 'She already knows, she's pretty smart.'
"One time at a park, my son spied what appeared to be a biracial brother and sister sitting at a nearby table. He yelled 'Hey, black and white kids, wanna play?' I was beyond mortified; the kids' mom nearly lost her s--t laughing."
"I took my daughter to the restroom when she was three and took her into the stall with me. I helped her use the toilet, then I instructed her to stay inside next to the door while I went pee. I sat down with my skirt modestly draped around me and mid-stream she shouted, 'Ew! Mommy! Your pee STINKS!' (What can I say, I drink a lot of coffee.) I heard the women in stalls on either side of me chuckle."
"For about a month after my daughter was born, my son (who was 3.5 years old) would introduce us by saying 'This is my mommy, and this is my daddy, and this is my baby sister. She drinks BREAST MILK FROM MOMMY'S BOOBIES. HAHAHAHAHAHA!' Yes he would actually yell that last part."
"When my daughter was 3, she went to Toys R' Us with my stepmother to get a new toy. She was running ahead of my stepmom a little ways when she saw an Elmo doll. She stopped dead in her tracks and yelled at the top of her lungs: 'OH MY GOD, A HOMO! A HOMO!' According to my stepmom, this was within earshot of a lesbian couple just an aisle away. Luckily, once they saw the Elmo they thought it was hilarious. Still, not my daughter's most shining moment."
"When my son was 3, he grabbed a candy bar at the line at the grocery. I quietly and JOKINGLY said, 'boy, I'll pull your arms off if you don't ask before you grab things.' He screamed 'NO DADDY, PLEASE DON'T PULL MY ARMS OFF!!!' I totally deserved it." |
"When my son was four he used to hook bungee cords to his bike and pull a wagon. He called them 'hookers' instead of bungee cords. One day we're in the hardware store and he shouts out 'Hey dad! Don't forget we need to pick up some hookers!' I'll never forget the looks on those peoples faces. It was both awesome and mortifying at the same time."
My son was in a restaurant eating chicken wings when he discovered the wing he was eating had 3 bones, instead of the usual 2. He stood up on his chair all excited, declaring he had a 'triple boner,' before sitting back down. A few seconds later he discovered he had been wrong, and the wing actually just had 2. In order to correct his previous announcement to the rest of the restaurant he stood up again, this time saying 'I was mistaken, it's just a double boner.'
"Not a parent (I know), but when I was little my mom and I had this thing where whenever I was laying in the floor, she would walk past and shake me (gently!) with her foot on my stomach. I would make some sort of noise because it sounded funny and we'd giggle and move on. We were at the mall one day in the dressing room when I fell to the floor and screamed 'KICK ME. KICK ME LIKE YOU DO AT HOME.' My poor mother."
Passed by a middle-eastern man in Walmart complete with a turban and other stereotypical robes... My son: "Daddy, is that a genie?!?!"
I have never hit my son. Ever. Whenever I scold him in public, he covers his face with his arms as if he's expecting me to punch him. That doesn't make me look good...
First place: Son the Eldest, at age 4, calmly stood up in the middle of the sandbox at the public park, pulled his pants down, and peed all over the sand. I have never moved so fast in my life. Not fast enough to save the sandbox, but hopefully fast enough that my face was a blur and therefore unrecognizable to the other parents. Not that we ever went back to that park anyway. Second place: Son the Eldest again. Age 5, different park. He was playing quietly with some other kids who had shown up. Suddenly he was nowhere to be found. After about 30 seconds of panic, the other family brought him back to me. They'd packed up their kids to leave, and my kid had trotted right along with them, got into their SUV, and buckled himself in. We did not know these people at all. My son told me that they had cool toys, so I guess that was enough rationale for him. He's 11 now and I fear his teenage years.
In line at the grocery store with my 3 year old daughter, in that super loud voice only a child has, asked "Daddy why is that lady so ugly?"
My daughter (who was 3 at the time) performed an exorcism in the church basement that served as a day care. She has an active imagination and sometimes told me that ghosts were following her. I would play along and tell her that if they were mean ghosts, she could get rid of them by chanting "I deny thee" three times. If they were nice ghosts she could play with them. The ghosts she "saw" became more and more powerful and resistant to these rituals, so she and I added to them. Eventually, the ritual was complicated and about a minute long. One morning I was taking her to day care and she told me a nasty ghost was behind us. I told her ghosts don't like churches, thinking that was the end of it. When we got inside and to her room, I asked for her coat so I could hang it up. She said "I can't hang up my coat, or that dead man will tear it up. But don't worry. I can make him go away." In front of the teacher, other kids, and parents, she then performed the full ritual. She calmly threw her coat on the floor, raised her arms over it, closed her eyes, and started to chant. It was great, more than a little embarrassing, and the adults in the room were concerned about it. I got a strongly worded invitation to church that week.
Masturbate. My youngest girl has been a chronic masturbator since about 18 months old. The worst was once in the grocery store, she is sitting in the seat of the cart, holding tightly to the handle and just grinding as hard as possible against the part of the cart in between her legs. She's doing it so intensely that she's drooled a huge puddle on the front of her jacket. I begged, I threatened, I bribed, but nothing could make her stop. I was practically in tears by the time we left. I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
Recently it has been her obsession with clocks. Except, she can't say the letter "L" so...yeah. "OOK MOMMY, A C_CK! A C_CK!" She also has a habit of pulling my dress up if I'm not paying attention.
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