There used to be a time when staying in hotels was the ultimate in luxury. Think of bygone eras like the 1920s when Hemmingway would stay in lavish colonial hotels in Africa, like the Norfolk in Nairobi. Or the fictional Eloise living at the decadent Plaza Hotel in New York. Staying in a hotel was a sign of status and it was something people strived for. Someone to clean up for you, deliver food straight to your bed and make that bed when you headed out for the day, exploring new surroundings.
Not anymore. Millenials and services like Airbnb have made hotels passé. Why have someone cook breakfast for you when you can wolf your Clif Bar in a stranger's kitchen? Why have someone make your bed when you only sleep under a comforter anyway, with your own pillow.
But it's even worse than that! Millenials are actually making hotel stays WORSE for the rest of us! Apparently "they" don't care about things like a dresser to put clothes away, they just live out of a suitcase, like savages. Hotels are also removing desks from rooms, because millennials would rather work in the lobby, surrounded by other millennials, presumably because they need the constant positive reinforcement from their peers. Eventually, they'll probably demand that beds be removed because they constrain creativity or something.
For the Baby Boomers and Generation X, gyms have become a refuge. A place to be alone with their thoughts, counting the miles on the treadmill. It's a time away from their computer, their family, their work, it's "their time." Zoning out to the most recent release from Beck or Radiohead while monitoring your heart rate is something older generations count on for some quality "me time," maybe the only "me time" they get in the day.
And Millennials are totally killing that in favor of boutique fitness classes, SoulCycle, yoga, and Crossfit. Crossfit! Once again, millennials are showing they have no desire to be alone with their thoughts, they crave that constant inspiration from their peers. Sure, they call it "community" but we all know it's really just a drive for attention.
This might be the most un-American thing we've ever heard! A generation of red-blooded Americans killing the Big Mac!? We're talking about the most iconic hamburger in the world! Spreading diabetes and consumerism around the globe! Er, spreading American freedom and democracy around the globe! Sure, fresh burgers made fresh taste better than whatever it is that Mickey D's does with its meat, but c'mon! It's the Big Mac! Nothing says America like the Big Mac!
Whatever happened to meeting a nice woman, taking her out on a date, getting a sweet peck on the cheek when you took her home and then finally, three dates later, she asks you to spend the night? You guessed it, Millennials are killing that too. Like everything else in their lives, they want things simple and iPhone-related. Enter Tinder and Bumble and Grindr and the rest of the hookup apps that make everything mechanical. Girl swipes right, boy swipes right, a text-flirt or two and bam! Netflix n' Chill, just like that. No coffee, no booze to loosen up - are compliments even necessary anymore? "I have needs, you have needs, lets coordinate schedules and take care of those needs so I can be sure to make to my community garden meeting by 7."
Brunch is the best meal of the week. You meet up with some friends on a lazy Sunday morning, nurse the previous night's hangover with some juice and a lot of coffee, eat something sweet and/or greasy and maybe sip on a mimosa to chase the hair of the dog.
But no, that's not how millennials see it. For millennials, it's the kickoff to #sundayfunday and a way to show the world through Instagram that #adulting is "for weekdays." Why can't we eat our bagel and lox in peace and not have to subjected to words like "adulting?"
Seriously, is there anything worse than the phrases "Sunday Funday" and "adulting?" The word adult is not a verb!
Millennials all want "flexibility." Probably because they all need it for their underwater basket weaving classes and quality Snapchatting time. They decided they would work when and where they want to work, erasing over 100 years of progress since the industrial revolution. They say since they are always connected, they can work whenever they want, but really all it does is force everyone else to be on their schedule. Want to return emails at 1am after the Bon Iver concert? Fine, be sure to get indignant when they aren't returned immediately returned because we're all living on your precious schedule.
Part of the reason the 9 to 5 workday works so well is that everyone is working at the same time, so we can all work together. Working isn't just about you and your candlemaking club's schedule.
Ok, ok, to be fair, it was probably on the way out already and everyone appreciates some flexibility in their schedule. Let's not take it too far though, ok?
Let's be honest here, cruises are pretty lame in a whole lot of ways. The magicians are terrible, the karaoke is obnoxious, the swimming pools are too small, and the rooms are terrible unless you spend way too much on a higher deck.
But - the food is awesome, the service is usually great and there is no better way to see a wide variety of beaches and invade a small Carribean island with the rest of the people from Omaha that have that special "land lobster" look from too much sun and too many rum punches at the free bar on the ship.
Who wants to spend enough time on an island to get in touch with the local food and culture when you could be just there long enough to buy an ashtray with the name of the island on it that was made somewhere in Southeast Asia? Who wants to really explore a country when you can just walk by the most popular beach in the capital city? There are bound to be a couple locals braiding hair nearby. Braided hair is the perfect way to show everyone at work next week just how generic your vacation was.
You know what? Millennials got this one right.
Ok, this is a weird one. And we can probably blame their parents more than we can blame the Me Me Me Generation for this one. Parents should be teaching everyone how to properly shake a hand. No one wants to shake a dead fish of a hand or the hand of a person that thinks every shake is an opportunity to audition for the world's strongest man competition.
It turns out somewhere along the way, Millennials never learned how to shake hands properly and as a result older generations have already quietly judged them before they open their mouths. Literally. Handshakes are important. They are polite. Everyone should do it correctly.
Ok, ok, ok, that's enough from you millennials. Stop messing with our beer sales. As Americans, we all sign a social contract when we are born that we will drink as much or more beer than the generation before us. Just watch movies like The Untouchables to see how terrible life was during Prohibition. Beer is the lifeblood of this great country so stop with your box of wine and your Fireball shots and start drinking more beer like a real American.
We can't emphasize how important this is. Beer is what makes this world worth living in and if you keep messing with, soon we'll have none left
Again, like beer, what in the world are you thinking, millennials?? Breakfast Cereal Killers! You are worse than Ted Bundy! Frosted Flakes, Fruit Loops, Golden Grahams, Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch are all acceptable parts of a nutritional, well-balanced start to your day. Clif Bars and a banana are not. Talk about boring! We'll take a tasty bowl of Choco Krispies any morning over that. A Clif Bar doesn't turn regular milk into chocolate milk, does it? No, it doesn't. it just tastes like chalk and that's it. Choco Krispies are a little bit of magic in a bowl at 7am as you get ready for your 9 to 5 job.
Fine, maybe not all cereal is technically all that "nutritious," but stop making everything about being "on the move." Relax, watch the morning news on cable TV and enjoy a bowl of Honey Smacks once in a while.
Some of the best advice ever given is "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Well, if that's the case, millennials are looking for a job as a homeless skateboarder or a lumberjack. T-shirts in the workplace? Sneakers? What is this, a job or a rock concert? There was a time when a man wouldn't be caught dead without a proper suit and tie in public and a woman wouldn't even consider speaking to someone not dressed like a proper gentleman. Shorts? What are you, a child? Wear a shirt with a collar and a tie. Make sure the jacket and the pants match and viola! a suit, like a grown up. Now THAT is "adulting."
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