Try to seduce the host into bumping your name to the top of wait list by gently stroking your exposed clavicle. Works every time.
How inconsiderate of you to get your period on Valentine's Day! To avoid a major fight, set aside a portion of your paycheck every week until the big V-Day, because you just never know when mother nature might ruin the big night your boyfriend planned. He didn't wear a white suit for a red wedding, girlfriend!
Carriages and cobblestone streets are the best way to enjoy a romantic Valentine's Day! Got a blister from hobbling down those uneven avenues in stilettos? Just slap a bandage on it, because your legs look dynamite in those heels, plus twirling in that circle skirt only enhances your calves. Your man's eyes will stay on you all night!
Don't worry, your boo thang won't think of your bralessness as a scary feminist action; he'll be too mesmerized by your crazy eyes as you share how you stole a balloon from a kid at the zoo so that you could surprise your love. That's passion!
Want to really impress your date? Show up to dinner in a dress made of roses! You're allergic? Meh, bring a box of tissues. Spending hours pricking your fingers with thorns to make couture is a small price to pay for true love.
See also: 20 Hilarious Valentines Perfect for the Unromantic
Playing tennis in your pink Valentine's Day underwear allows for a much better range of motion when serving, if you get our drift. Nobody ever said that enchanting the competition was a Wimble-don't!
You took extra care while shaving before your big date night, so why not flaunt it a little? What, he's not looking at your pits? Maybe you shouldn't have worn a push-up bra then. Focus, girl.
See also: 16 Absolutely Awful Valentine's Day Horror Stories That Will Make You Proud To Be Single
What better way to let your guy know that your body can be bought?
You wouldn't want to ruin your thigh-high boots by walking anywhere. Well, it also doesn't look like you could actually move in that dress, anyway, but boy do you look cool rolling up to the club in your pedicab! Limos and Lamborghinis are so last year.
Another girl is vying for your man's attention? OH HELL NO! You get rid of her ASAP! But don't leave her by herself somewhere knocked out cold. Instead, hide her behind your butt because you'll want to brag about your awesome date with Mr. Surfer Dude when she wakes up later. Solidarity, sister!
See also: 23 Pop Culture Inspired Valentine's Day Cards That Will Win Your Heart This Year
Ok, yeah, that purse clashes with your boots, but your fella won't care because you're quirky and perfect and he's been waiting for you to agree to go out with him for months. Basically, you need to be Taylor Swift. No pressure!
Your sweeping ballgown can't protect you from the fog rolling in as you walk arm-in-arm to V-Day dinner with your beau. Instead of opting for the traditional jacket or shrug, which would hinder Mr. Man from gazing at your delicate shoulders, find a giant rose to pin on your stomach, instead. Still cold? Well, jackets are out of the question, so quit asking for one because you there's no way you're hiding your party outfit, which is now dirty from all the leaves and twigs you just dragged it through. Be more careful!
You're not a ray of sunshine and rainbows every day of the week, and sometimes you need to remind him of that. It only enhances your sexy mystery and allure! Sometimes you like to think about all the puppies you were unable to save, so push your brainpower as you pull on some garter stockings to compliment your sundress (or is that a negligee? We can't tell). Your guy will know you're feeling extra sassy!
You've worked hard for a few weeks already this year and you deserve something nice, so while you're waiting for your guy to pledge undying devotion (after seven years of this, it's happening this time, we swear!), treat yourself to some fake diamonds that are so shiny they almost look real! No one will notice that you don't feel sparkly on the inside when their eyes are drawn to the snake-like rock on your finger! After all, it's what's on the outside that counts!
Seriously, how could he not pop the big question when you look so darn sexy surrounded by tulle? You'll be hearing wedding bells in no time! And that's all a girl really wants, right?
See also: 22 Ridiculously Outdated Pieces of Dating Advice That Today's Women Laugh At
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